John White: The nightly rumble with Scumbag Brain

I’ve been engaged in a hearty battle with Scumbag Brain over the past few weeks.

I’ve been engaged in a hearty battle with Scumbag Brain over the past few weeks.

If you are not familiar, Scumbag Brain is when your cerebral soft tissue takes pleasure in keeping you up at night with infuriating, non-actionable thoughts and anxieties. It was a very popular Internet meme on Reddit, and actually bubbles up in social media feeds now and again.

It’s one thing to deal with your stupid grey-matter glob during the day, when you can distract it with coffee, chocolate and Simon’s Cat videos. The nighttime dance is far more intense and ominous.

Typically, I’m able to fall asleep quickly, but I’ll wake up after grunting through some kind of stress dream at around 3 a.m. This is prime time for Scumbag Brain to stretch its synapses.

Here are some of my recent greatest hits (all of them start with, “Oh you wanted to sleep?”):

“That loud bang had to be a bear in the basement.”

“Does Radon gas have an odour?”

“I’m not Web MD, but I’m pretty sure that twinge in your chest is a heart attack.”

“Think about how many spiders you eat in your sleep. I’ll wait here.”

“That thing your coworker/spouse/stranger on the street said actually WAS personal and you should feel bad.”

“Remember that time you did that thing that almost killed you with embarrassment? Let’s review it in glorious slow-motion ultra-HD brain video for the next 25 minutes.”

“Are you hungry? I could go for a cheeseburger.”

“Did you know you have microscopic bugs munching on your eyebrows? I bet you can feel them if you think about it hard enough.”

“I’m going to run some spasms down your legs for a while. You haven’t actually exercised, so I’m going to make you kick and thrash a little to make you horribly uncomfortable as payback. Should only last about an hour.”

“Here’s the perfect comeback for that bully from Grade 9. Sorry it came a little late.”

“And I would walk 500 miles…”

“Did you hit ‘Reply’ or ‘Reply All’ on that work email?”

“Look at the time on your phone again. Now do the sleep math. Oh, that’s not good.”

“Your junior high locker combination was 25, 15 and… 6? No… 10? uh…”

“The MasterCard bill is due today, or was it yesterday?”

“Donald Trump has the nuclear football.”

“You should breathe deeply to relax. There. Wow, our heart is beating loud in our ears. Should we be concerned?”

“You’re another second closer to death. And another… I could do this all night, and probably will.”

“Try counting sheep. Huh, that one can moonwalk… cool. That one looks like Elvis. Fascinating. That one can sing the Phenomenon Muppet song. That should help.”

Just as I’m falling asleep again, finally, after an hour and a half of this nonsense: “BEEP, BEEP, BEEP, BEEP.”

“Don’t bother hitting snooze, just turn the alarm off, you won’t fall asleep again.”

 

Just Posted

Core funding to boost spending on tourism services for Rossland

Resort Municipalities grants will pay for a public washroom, better signage, and shuttle services

Third cannabis store in Greater Trail opens next week

The City of Trail has had six applications from non-medical pot retailers to date

Last stop: The inside story of Queen City Shuttle and Charters’ closure

Former employees open up about the Nelson company’s final days

How the Queen City Shuttle and Charters’ closure affected you

Here’s what readers had to say about the company’s shutdown

Craft cannabis development planned for Castlegar

Plans are underway for one of the first craft cannabis industrial parks in the province.

Feds lowered poverty line, reducing the number of seniors in need: documents

Liberals introduced a poverty line that was below the prior low-income cutoff

Trudeau announces $79M investment for 118 more public transit buses across B.C.

Contributions from municipal to federal level to fund more buses in a bid to cut commutes

Justin Trudeau’s carbon footprint revealed in ranking of world leaders

Travel company ranks 15 world leaders’ foreign flight CO2 emissions

B.C. First Nation’s group using ads in Texas targeting company for fuel spill

The Heiltsuk Tribal Council has called out Kirby Corporation for the Nathan E. Stewart oil spill

B.C. woman wins record $2.1 million on casino slot machine

‘That night was so surreal … I wasn’t able to sleep or eat for the first two days,’ she said

West Kootenay U16 Rebels take home provincial gold

West Kootenay Rebels fastball team battle hard to win the BC U16C Fastball Championship

After B.C. dad’s death, Technical Safety BC wants changes to trampoline park rules

Jay Greenwood, 46, did ‘a series of acrobatic manoeuvres prior to a fall that caused serious injury and cardiac arrest’

$900M settlement reached in class action on sexual misconduct in Canadian military

After facing criticism, the government moved to begin settlement proceedings in early 2018

Tax take stays ahead of increased B.C. government spending

Tax revenue $2.1 billion higher than budget in 2018-19

Most Read