Guest column: Taking on the tough feline issues

In the spirit of Family Circus and Bill Keane, we bring you a guest column from John’s cat Maddy

In the spirit of Family Circus and Bill Keane, we bring you a guest column from John’s cat Maddy, as John is under the weather.

This certainly wasn’t part of my plan today, but here we are.

I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I’m making here, as this column is cutting into my chair-top nap plan and pushes back my frantic-run-around-the-house schedule by at least 30 minutes.

John asked me to guest-author a column this week about hard-hitting issues, and he said it would be best to just be honest and not hold back, so here goes: What is the deal with litter boxes? You’re not fooling anyone… we know it’s just a simulated sandbox. You’re stripping the joy out of the process by just scooping everything out and not letting random children discover our handiwork while they play in there with their bare hands.

Next, you need to get over yourself when we’re hacking up a giant hairball on the antique rug. Oh, it’s “gross” and the sound we make is “scaring the children.” Boo. Hoo. You realize we are responsible for brushing our entire body with our tongue, right?

Speaking of that … there’s no polite way to say this, but we also have to use our tongues as toilet paper. Have you seen our tongues? They’re covered with razor-sharp pointed barbs. Next time you’re complaining about that single-ply toilet paper at the office, imagine what we’re dealing with every day back at the litter box.

We have to talk about the dry food. We’re carnivores. If you did the right thing and released me from this legalized hostage-taking I could show you in about five minutes how well I can hunt and what actual meat looks like. Those mounds of concrete are a joke. If the alternative wasn’t starvation I’d show you where you can roll those tasteless balls of garbage. Sure, some Poindexter with a lab coat tells you this stuff has “nutrients” and “suppresses hairballs” and adds something called “vitality,” but you’re being duped by the “important-sounding pet food ingredient” lobby.

Let’s shift our focus to what you consider “playtime.” Wow, that bug on a string is really convincing. Oh yes, it’s so lifelike, with that string flitting about the room. It’s just like in nature, where those dragonflies are tethered to the back porch. So much wow.

And the laser pointer on the wall? Really? Is this the best you can come up with? Why don’t you go outside and shine it at airliners … that is about as rewarding. (Editor’s note: It is extremely illegal and dangerous to do this. John’s cat does not understand the legal system.)

As for the inviting soft furry belly thing with the come-hither glance? Yes, it’s a trap. We can’t believe you keep falling for that. But I will say when you do feed us wet food with real meat, and chase us around the house at full speed, sometimes we’ll let you touch it for a few seconds. You’ve earned it.

We also don’t hate when you brush us when you get home from work, until the split second when we decide we hate it very much. And I will say the snuggling when you’re snoring makes us feel loved, but don’t tell anyone or I’ll cut you in your sleep.

Well, that was surprisingly cat-thartic.

Gotta go. Those birds aren’t going to watch themselves.


On Twitter @johnkwhite


Email me at john.white@castlegarnews.com


Like us on Facebook and follow us on Twitter

Get local stories you won't find anywhere else right to your inbox.
Sign up here

Just Posted

Unofficial holidays: Here’s what people are celebrating for the week of Sept. 20 to 26

Rabbit Day, Hobbit Day and One-Hit Wonder Day are all coming up this week

Interior Health reports three additional COVID-19 cases in region

The number of cases in the region since the beginning of the pandemic are now at 492

Kootenay teachers’ union going to labour relations board over COVID-19 related work conditions

Union issues open letter to premier, education minister, health minister and Dr. Bonnie Henry.

Trail market goes garlic

The event goes Saturday in downtown Trail from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Two men killed in Hwy 3 collision west of Castlegar

The single-vehicle incident happened Thursday morning

B.C. or Ontario? Residential school survivors fight move of court battle

It’s now up to Ontario’s Court of Appeal to sort out the venue question

B.C. transportation minister will not seek re-election

Claire Trevena has held the position since 2017

Young B.C. cancer survivor rides 105-km with Terry Fox’s brother

Jacob Bredenhof and Darrell Fox’s cycling trek raises almost $90,000 for cancer research

B.C. migrant, undocumented workers rally for permanent residency program

Rally is part of the Amnesty for Undocumented Workers Campaign led by the Migrant Workers Centre

Preparations underway for pandemic election in Saskatchewan and maybe B.C.

Administrators in B.C. and around the country are also looking to expand voting by mail during the pandemic

Nearly 20 per cent of COVID-19 infections among health-care workers by late July

WHO acknowledged the possibility that COVID-19 might be spread in the air under certain conditions

Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies at 87

The court’s second female justice, died Friday at her home in Washington

Emaciated grizzly found dead on central B.C. coast as low salmon count sparks concern

Grizzly was found on Gwa’sala-‘Nakwaxda’xw territory in Smith Inlet, 60K north of Port Hardy

VIDEO: B.C. to launch mouth-rinse COVID-19 test for kids

Test involves swishing and gargling saline in mouth and no deep-nasal swab

Most Read